Alas, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

I know this is true, because the John Lewis Christmas advert has come out, I have cried because Monty the Penguin didn’t have anyone to love him (but now he does, in the form of Mabel), and yes, I have downloaded the song as well.

So, it’s usually around this time of year that my thoughts turn to Christmas, not least because I’ve seen all the other adverts suggesting how you can make it “debt free” and also because all the toiletry companies start churning out “hand care kits” ( consisting of some soap you will use and some moisturiser you most probably won’t), in decorative boxes.

Speaking of Monty the Penguin, it would appear that another year is due to pass by without me having met what my late friend Chris would describe as a “life partner’ (we would then collapse laughing and eat some more sweets to console ourselves about this continued absence), – i.e. someone who can put up with me in good times and bad, and even when I’m wearing a novelty sweater with an appliqued Christmas pudding on it.

This time of year always brings out the Richard Curtis films, and fool that I am, I will always watch Bridget Jones’ Diary and Love Actually, because – you just never know, do you? Although in the latter, my heart goes out to Emma Thompson’s character every time she thinks that the gold heart necklace is for her, and she ends up with….a Joni Mitchell CD. (Which I then also downloaded, of course).

Anyway, like the disappearing Ferrero Rocher in the plastic box, the pleasantries are over. Breathe deeply, because I’m going to talk about the C word.

As one of my friends mused the other day, “Does anyone actually like Christmas?” To some extent, I can see their point. Apart from Valentine’s Day, I cannot think of another time of year when so much collective stress is caused by so few, to so many. With added tinsel. If you are an adult child, parent of an adult child or a visitor to a friend’s home for Christmas, then this post is for you.

Firstly, I think if you get on well enough with your family to want to spend two solid days with them, eating turkey and sitting around scrabbling through the Quality Street (as well as the obligatory improving family walk and cracking open the Monopoly) then that is fabulous and you must not change it for the world. If however, you get slightly “frayed” by the fervour and Yuletide felicitations (as my friend Rob once described Christmas greetings and jollity), then here are a few hints which may assist.

1) It’s better to win the war on how to cook the perfect roast potatoes than it is to go into battle about how to set the festive table at your parents’ house. Believe me, I have engaged in combat on both counts and if you’re up against a female relative with a glass of mulled wine in her hand, then walk away from the latter but stand firm on the former.

2) Visitors:

a) Be clear about when you are arriving and when you are leaving.

b) Fit in with the family you visit – they are not a circus and cannot entertain you all day, every day.

c) No one ever died from stacking a dishwasher or offering to set a table. Get off your arse and help. I say this because I have lost count of the occasions when I have seen guests not helping out on Christmas day. Whether it’s setting the table, helping peel a few carrots or just topping up drinks, they seem temporarily unable to perform any task, instead preferring to drag their laptops round the house and texting their mates from the table. Often whilst in pyjamas. If you want to do that, there are of course 364 other days of the year in which to please yourself.

d) Your relatives will often delight in discussing, loudly, their embarrassing medical problems and offering detailed descriptions of life according the Daily Mail. Do not retaliate with your own symptoms (imaginary or otherwise), because I can guarantee you now that they will outstrip you every time and if they don’t do that, they won’t listen anyway.

3) Adult children

a) Picture the scene. You are heading home to the parental unit for Christmas and you are grown up and want to prove it, e.g. you want your boyfriend / girlfriend / life partner to share your bed. For some families, this is no problem. For others, however, it is and at the end of the day, it is your parents’ roof for two days. Personally I have never understood why people want to sleep with their partner in their parents’ house. Isn’t it just the ultimate turn off? Really? Unless you get off on the sensation of candlewick and bobbled sheets whilst your family all listen in and the cat tries to get in to join in the fun, I would probably avoid it.

4) Be prepared…for strange things to happen

The other day, despite having no money and not being able to afford to put on my legendary (if I say so myself), Christmas drinks party this year, (gone are the day I used to cheerfully lug that case of Veuve Clicquot to the car and spray twigs white before setting to on the home made canapes), I seriously considered buying six crackers from Joules, one of my favourite brands, for £22.00. Yes, I was honestly going to spend almost £4.00 per item on some cardboard and bangers because I liked the colours. What was I going to do with them, move them around my flat for the month, whilst hissing at visitors: “DON’T TOUCH THEM. THEY ARE FOR DECORATION ONLY.”

I then went to Paperchase, to find the perfect A5 diary for 2015 and also to get a bit misty eyed over the cards in there. As you do. As it happens, the diaries were not quite perfect, but I had such fun caressing them that I bought one card in celebration and seriously considered the 3 for 2 offer on “Happy Holidays’ decorations…(In case you are wondering, this was not a card for my imaginary boyfriend, although yes of course I considered it – there is still time on the Christmas clock, although I admit it is ticking).

NB This is the one time of year when most women (myself included), truly believe that they are able to “rock” a Christmas sweater (see above), a gold “party dress” which they would normally eschew and, to top it all off, some glittery make up. Maybe with a tiara or other “statement jewellery”.

We all know that no good ever came out of a woman over 25 trying to channel Tinkerbell, but I just can’t help it as I daringly brush on the sparkle dust and wait to feel all festive at the office Christmas party. I bet you a White Company “Winter” candle (a close favourite of mine behind “Blanc”), that you too will consider that wrap dress and fur tippet combo to guide you through the festive maze! And I’ll happily raise the stakes to some Jo Malone English Pear & Freesia cologne if you like.

You feel obliged to put up a Christmas Tree and to send cards, although every year you think, should I bother doing this? But then, if I don’t, what if I only get ONE CARD from my mum and dad and anyone who comes round will think I have NO friends?

You will also, I guarantee, consider briefly making your own festive wreath to hang on your front door and charm your guests. Personally, I find that this desire evaporates as soon as I try to bend old coat hangers into acceptable shapes…only to find the holly embedding itself in my hands. Still, I am sure that this un-festive feeling will pass. I’ll let you know when I have enjoyed my WHOLE seasonal Chocolate Orange and gin and tonic, all to myself.

In the meantime, I am of course off to find the perfect Christmas outfit (anything that looks good under an apron which you can easily sponge chocolate coins off). So, please do go easy on the candlewick at your parents before you go and chop up those sprouts and open the fizz at ten in the morning, try not to steal the chocolates from your young relatives advent calendars – and when you watch the opening scenes to Love Actually or Bridget Jones, I defy you not to want a Christmas jumper – or better still, a Monty or Mabel of your very own.

Yuletide felicitations to you all!