“I’m late. I’m late. For a very important date.”

 – The Rabbit, Alice in Wonderland

I don’t want anyone to get excited, but I went on a date the other week.  A lunch date to be precise, or as I now prefer to call it with the gift of hindsight, “60 minutes of my life that I will never get back.”

To help you all avoid losing an hour in a similar fashion (and we’re down one already now the clocks have gone back), I thought I’d put together some top tips to help anyone considering a similar option to reconsider and either buy their usual sandwich and enjoy the peace and quiet of their own company, at their own desk, perhaps doing some light internet shopping or reading the sidebar of shame on a certain daily news website.

1. Sadly, the premise of “Jolly good fun on WhatsApp” does not  = good fun in person. All the jokes and laughter emojis in the world are not going to make up for the fact that, in reality….they’re just not that funny.
2. “But how do you know this?”, I hear you chorus! “You’re being unfair – you probably just had different senses of humour. You should have given him a chance.” Yes, and I’m a banana.  A banana who does not find men who tell me that they’re….WAIT FOR IT… “Brad Pitt’s stunt double” very amusing. Or at all amusing.  In fact, the laugh that I had intended at this point turned into more of a sob. (THIS IS TRUE, it happened just after I decided to order something quick, which was good in may ways);
3. If  they can’t answer a straight question, walk away.  When I ask someone “What do you do [for a living]?” (I don’t actually say the bit in square brackets, it’s just implied) – and they tell me that they are Brad Pitt’s stunt double (see above), I tend to assume that they are (a) lying and (b) have rehearsed this tired line many times before.
4. By the same token, don’t ask me what I do, let me tell you about it and then dismiss it as a little “hobby job”, with the words: “It sounds as if you like to party”, because I happen to mention that part of what I do is to organise events. Yes, it’s all balloons and streamers, let me tell you.
5. Never trust anyone who drinks Chai tea latte at lunchtime.  Especially when accompanied by soup.
6. As a guide, it’s always best not to go on about your ex, your previous marriage, your divorce and how one of your kids isn’t speaking to you at the moment.  I’m sorry to hear about all of those things, but even sorrier to hear them when I’m trying to sip sparkling mineral water, eat and look non-judgemental at the same time.  The truth is, I did divorce work for eight years, and if I wanted to hear about the relationship difficulties of a man I have only just met, I’d go back to it and (hopefully) get paid for giving advice.
7. Yes, I do know what a Morgan is and it’s lovely to know you have one outside your house. Thank you. I can rest easier in my bed now. Alone, no doubt, but rest I shall.
8. “Shall we split the bill?”  For me, this was the final nail in the lunch date coffin. I tried to pay for us both as, quite frankly, I can’t face dividing a bill under £20 when we are both working (and I imagine that Brad Pitt’s stunt double earns a lot nowadays). This offer was countered with the quickest flourish of a tenner by a man I have ever seen, which was dropped on the counter in front of the slightly confused looking woman (me) and the other confused looking woman (the lady who had brought us our bill). Perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised by this in 2018, especially since I was asked out for lunch by a lawyer one time who put down his £12.70 exactly and waited patiently for me to do the same. Happily, I had some change.
9. Don’t then send the lucky lady a message that afternoon saying that you “prefer to go Dutch until we get to know each other better”, as if she is only out for all the baked potatoes she can get from you for at least the next five dates.  She’s not, she was just hoping to meet someone who made her laugh. You may feel £10 down for the rest of your life, but that’s dating for you.
10. Dress to impress.  I’m not asking for a three piece suit accessorised with spats and a cane as you walk in to “Puttin’ on the Ritz” complete with jazz hands, I’m just suggesting that you at least tuck your shirt in and wear decent shoes.  One thing I know about women is that every single (single) one of us makes an effort when we meet someone new.  Lunch, drinks or dinner, we wear something nice. We brush our hair, crack open a new packet of 10 denier tights, put on some lipstick and perfume and hope, for the umpteenth time, that this could be fun.  Or at least better than watching Masterchef again.

Who knows, if it all works out, we may even forgive you the chai latte, AND split the bill until the end of time. Until then, keep smiling my fellow singletons – and always make sure you carry cash, should Prince Charming still want to go Dutch.